Smeyers pointless drivel 28 March 2010 7:13 pm
Ok, so I was in the shower 5 mins ago and suddenly I thought of Nightlight, this great parody of Twilight (don't ask me why I thought of it in the shower, just one of those things, I suppose) SO HERE'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT!





About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him–which I assumed was wildly out of his control–that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he had kissed me.

And thus Belle Goose falls in love with the mysterious and sparkly Edwart Mullen in the Harvard Lampoon’s hilarious send-up of Twilight.

Pale and klutzy, Belle arrives in Switchblade, Oregon looking for adventure, or at least an undead classmate. She soon discovers Edwart, a super-hot computer nerd with zero interest in girls. After witnessing a number of strange events–Edwart leaves his tater tots untouched at lunch! Edwart saves her from a flying snowball!–Belle has a dramatic revelation: Edwart is a vampire. But how can she convince Edwart to bite her and transform her into his eternal bride, especially when he seems to find girls so repulsive?

Complete with romance, danger, insufficient parental guardianship, creepy stalker-like behavior, and a vampire prom, Nightlight is the uproarious tale of a vampire-obsessed girl, looking for love in all the wrong places.


And this is such a wonderful book! It talks about all the things going through (or should be going through) twi-haters' minds when they were reading Twilight. Here are some of the conversations they have:

Belle and her dad before Edwart picks her up:

"So, Belle, what's new today?"

"Dad," I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. "I'm in the deepest love that has ever occurred in the history of the world."

"Gosh, Belle. When someone asks you, 'what's new?' the correct answer is, 'not much.' Besides, isn't it a little soon to cut yourself off from the rest of your peers, depending on your boyfriend to satisfy your social needs as opposed to making friends? Imagine what would happen if something forced him to leave! I'm imagining pages and pages would happen- with nothing but the names of the month written on them!"

I heard a knock on the door and breathed in sharply. How thoughtful of Edwart to knock when he could just as easily break down the door. I opened it expectantly.

It was the mailman, grinning at me with that typical Switchblade smile.

"Hi," he said. "Nice weather."

I shifted awkwardly. I felt comfortable talking about a lot of things, but not the weather. I didn't quite have the terminology down, having skipped the grade in which you learn about various atmospheric conditions.

"Yeah-the sun's on today," I guessed tentatively.

"Well, you tell your dad I said hello."

It was then that I finally understood. He was in love with me. It was all there-the doorbell ringing, the door standing, the showing off with his weather knowledge. Were there no other girls in this town to diffuse the responsibility of being loved?

"I should have known he wasn't a vampire. He failed to meet the three telltale criteria for vampirism: speaking in an old-timey way, being pompous, and having sparkly skin."

Yeap, that's all I could find on the wonder of the internet. Gah I sound like Bella and her love for Google.
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The writer ... hmm