The Earth is flat! Honest! 17 March 2010 10:04 pm
Hey, hey, hey! I started on a new series recently. It's called Discworld and is written by Terry Pratchett. It's about a flat world held on the back of four elephants on the back of a flying turtle that's travelling through space and time.

It's an awesome read, you should totally read it! These are some of my favourite quotes from the book (particularly nice ones are picked out, conveniently):

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Luck is my middle name. Mind you, my first name is Bad.

Cats were once worshipped as gods in Ancient Egypt. They've never forgotten this

Albert grunted. "Do you know what happens to lads who ask too many questions?"
Mort thought for a moment.
"No," he said eventually, "what?"
There was silence.
Then Albert straightened up and said, "Damned if I know. Probably they get answers, and serve 'em right."

Angua: Don't worry, we won't need weapons.
Cheery: Oh, good.
Angua: They wouldn't be any use.
Cheery: Oh.

Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'.

Some pirates achieved immortality by great deeds of cruelty or derring-do. Some achieved immortality by amassing great wealth. But the captain had long ago decided that he would, on the whole, prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.

It was octarine, the colour of magic. It was alive and glowing and vibrant and it was the undisputed pigment of the imagination, because wherever it appeared it was a sign that mere matter was a servant of the powers of the magical mind. It was enchantment itself.
But Rincewind always thought it looked a sort of greenish-purple.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.

Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was the Man; he had the Vote.

"It's going to look pretty good, then, isn't it," said War testily, "the One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocralypse."

Rincewind: I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet! I'm afraid of grounds.
Conina: You mean heights. And stop being silly.
Rincewind: I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!

"I meant," said Iplsore bitterly, "what is there in this world that makes living worthwhile?" Death thought about it. "CATS," he said eventually, "CATS ARE NICE."

(NOTE: Yes, Death has his own font. He speaks in SMALL CAPS.)

The calender of the Theocracy of Muntab counts down, not up. No-one knows why, but it might not be a good idea to hang around and find out.

All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional.

A number of religions in Ankh-Morpork still practiced human sacrifice, except that they didn't really need to practice any more because they had got so good at it.

Thunder rolled. ... It rolled a six.

The pen is mightier than the sword ... if the sword is very short, and the pen
is very sharp.

'And he goes around killing people?' said Mort. He shook his head. 'There's no justice.'
Death sighed. NO, he said, THERE'S JUST ME.

'And what would humans be without love?'
RARE, said Death.

It wasn't blood in general he couldn't stand the sight of, it was just his blood in particular that was so upsetting.

Some people think this is paranoia, but it isn't. Paranoids only think everyone is out to get them. Wizards know it.

"I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that makes living worthwhile?"
Death thought about it.
CATS, he said finally. CATS ARE NICE.

Death isn't cruel – merely terribly, terribly good at his job

It was said that life was cheap in Ankh-Morpork. This was, of course, completely wrong. Life was often very expensive; you could get death for free.

Just erotic. Nothing kinky. It's the difference between using a feather and using a chicken.

Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.

You do not ask people like that what they are thinking about in case they turn around very slowly and say 'You.'

An upturned tortoise is the ninth most pathetic thing in the entire multiverse.

Pets are always a great help in times of stress. And in times of starvation too,
o'course.

Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.

The shortest unit of 'time' in the multiverse is the New York second, defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and the cab behind you honking.

Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.
Elves are marvellous. They cause marvels.
Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.
Elves are glamorous. They project glamour.
Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.
Elves are terrific. They beget terror.
The thing about words is that meaning can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.
No one ever said elves are nice.
Elves are bad.

I AM DEATH, NOT TAXES. I TURN UP ONLY ONCE.

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for
the rest of his life

The world is made up of four elements: Earth, Air, Fire and Water. This is a fact well known even to Corporal Nobbs. It's also wrong. There's a fifth element, and generally it's called Surprise.

It occurred to him that when you'd had everything, all that was left was nothing.

There was a pregnant pause. It gave birth to a lot of little pauses, each one
more deeply embarrassing than its parent.

(in the video game, when you click on Rincewind's luggage) "Why can't I just have an Inventory Window like everybody else?"

(video game)
"Rincewind: Homo-Sapien Sorcerus Iritablus. In reality I'm a full foot taller, bronzed and rippling with muscles but it's been a hard night for the artist."

(video game, when examining the Imp's steel-toed boots)
"Hmm. Those boots have steel caps on the end. Very...large, metal toecaps. Look, what do you want me to do? Shout out the word "hint"?!"

(video game, when examining a Pot of ancient glue)
"Hey, this stuff's guaranteed to last 1000 years, so if it fails then you can take it back and complain."

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As you can probably tell, I got a bit carried away with finding quotes *ahem*

BUT IT'S AWESOME, ISN'T IT?

Oh lookie! I found a nice picture of Rincewind and his Luggage:



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The writer is reading Maskerade